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Wednesday, July 27, 2005


“Ponderables” totally ripped from Broom Hilda @ Menopausal Bi-Polar Witch Babbling:

(Updates, courtesy of here)

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? !

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? ....YES...

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they te!l you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

1) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

2) The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

3) If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.

4) A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

5) When blondes have more fun do they know it?

6) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

7) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

8) Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

9) The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

10) I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learners permit.

11) He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.

12) I like pitbulls too. Let's exchange recipes.

13) Time is fun when you're having flies . . . Kermit

14) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

15) Toilet stolen from Police Station. Cops have nothing to go on.

16) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

17) All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though.

18) If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

19) Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?

20) Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22) Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

23) Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

24) Gun Control: Use both hands.

25) Remember: First you pillage, then you burn.

26) To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

27) If Ignorance Is Bliss, you must be Orgasmic.

28) Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

29) If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

30) Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

31) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

32) Half The People In The World Are Below Average.

33) Failure Is Not An Option. It's bundled with your software.

34) Honk If You Love Peace and Quiet.

35) Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires.

36) I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.

37) Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh.

38) A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!

39) If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

40) If we weren't meant to eat animals why are they made of meat?

41) Ham and Eggs. Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

42) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

43) Remember that experience and guile will beat youth and enthusiasm every time.

44) When someone is acting 'for your own good', you won't like it. Furthermore, they will probably expect you to pay for it and, if they're 'protecting your morals', you'll have to pay double.

45) The Early bird may get the Worm but the Second mouse gets the Cheese!

46) Screw up? Of course we'll screw up. Do what you're best at, I always say.

47) Why be difficult ? When with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

48) Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you!

49) I can deal with incompetents. I can deal with assholes. I cannot deal with incompetent assholes!

50) A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

51) Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."

52) What brought you here ? And does it have reverse?

53) If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.

54) Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an Emergency on my part.

55) Bumper sticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"

56) He/she has a Mind Like a Steel Trap, everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled.

57) Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

58) If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

59) Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

60) He must have gotten into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

61) The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.

62) Have you considered suing your brains for non-support ?

63) Marriages are made in is thunder and lightning

64) Don't sweat the petty things or pet sweaty things.

65) A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

66) Memo:
Effective Immediately:
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra, so you can remember what the fuck you're doing!

67) I am the Imp of the Perverse - knowing this won't help you, either

68) Rule #1: You can't cure stupid !

69) If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

70) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you

71) If something goes without saying, let it!

72) Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are NOT my peers.

73) You're allowed 1 more Piss and 1 more Whine but you're over the limit on Moaning, Grumbling and Complaining.

74) Everyone has a right to be stupid, some just abuse the privilege

75) Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

76) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

77) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

78) 100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest?

79) How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus ? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

80) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

81) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

82) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

83) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the fuck alone.

84) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper that's the time to do it.

85) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

86) Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.

87) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

88) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

89) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

90) It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

91) Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

92) Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

93) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

94) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

95) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

96) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

97) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

98) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

99) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?

100) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

101) What do they pack Styrofoam in?

102) Why do men have nipples?

103) If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?

104) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

105) I've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and beginning to smell.

106) 8 out of 10 voices in my head say "Don't Shoot"!

107) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

108) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?

109) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?

110) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

111) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

112) Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.

113) Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

114) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

115) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

116) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

117) How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

118) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

119) If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

What disease did cured ham have in the first place?

Why do pizzas come in square boxes?


On July 27, 2005 8:20 PM, Blogger Mallard said...

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

(Thanx )

On July 28, 2005 12:55 AM, Blogger broomhilda said...

I have an answer to number 102 -
Why do men have nipples?
So you have something to hook the jumper cables up to.

On July 29, 2005 7:59 PM, Blogger Mallard said...

More from Broomhilda's blog...

120) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?

121) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"

122) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

123) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

124) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

125) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

126) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

127) Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?

128) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

129) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

130) Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

131) Why is a boxing ring square?

132) Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

133) Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

134) Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

135) Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

136) Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

137) Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

138) Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

139) Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

On August 04, 2005 5:31 AM, Blogger Mallard said...

More from Broomhilda's blog...
140) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

141) Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

142) Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

143) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

144) Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

145) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

146) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

147) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

148) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

149) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

150) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

151) STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

152) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

153) Clones are people two.

154) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

155) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

156) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

157) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

158) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

159) Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

160) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

161) If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

162) Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

163) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? 26.

164) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

165) If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? (thanks to Gregg)

166) Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

167) If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? (thanks to Gregg)

168) No one is listening until you fart.

169) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

170) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

171) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

172) Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

173) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

174) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

175) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

176) We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... Then things get worse.

177) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

178) There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

179) No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

180) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

181) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

182) Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

183) Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

184) Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

185) If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

186) Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

187) Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

188) If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

189) Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

On August 19, 2005 10:20 PM, Blogger Mallard said...

190) If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

191) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

192) Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

193) Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

194) Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

195) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

196) What do people in China call their good plates?

197) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

198) Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

199) What do you call male ballerinas?

200) If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

201) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

202) Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

203) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

204) Don't drink and park: Accidents cause people.

205) Do boxer shorts box?

206) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

207) Is grass really greener on the other side?

208) If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

209) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

210) My life is based on a true story.

211) Laugh and the world laughs with you, puke and you're on your own.

212) 333 - I'm a devil doing a half-assed job!

213) What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

214) I'm not perfect, but parts of me are incredible.

215) I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now.

216) What would Scooby Do?

217) Unlike computers, women reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

218) "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
-- TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz, in the Marin Paper.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

(Thanx again Broomhilda)

On September 01, 2005 4:23 AM, Blogger Mallard said...

220) I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

221) The Clairvoyant Society has cancelled today's meeting due to unforeseen circumstances.

222) Ecstasy - A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you never felt before.

223) "... you never, for instance, hear people say, 'Is that a wad of undiscarded belly button fluff, or are you just glad to see me?'..."
-- The Usenet Oracle

224) Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

226) You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

227) In the realm of human destiny, the depth of man's questioning is more important than his answers.

228) Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.

229) It's not who you kill. It's what type of cereal you eat out of their skull.
(I'm thinking Special K)

230) I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words.

231) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

232) Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet

233) Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name?

234) If you had everything, where would you keep it?

235) Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
(thanks to Gregg at for that one)

236) Ever notice how irons have a setting for 'permanent' press? I don't get it...

237) I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

238) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

239) A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

240) He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

241) I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

242) And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

243) If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?

244) For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

245) The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...

246) It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

247) Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it!

248) I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable

249) We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.


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