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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

(*) Only skimmed the surface

A few weeks' ago, I have to admit I did something I haven't done for many, many many years... I brought myself a lottery ticket! Gasp! I mean - the last time I got myself a lottery ticket, I had short hair! Alas and alack - it all came to nought. I must have been feeling either lucky or (more probable) excitable the day I bought it (on the spur of the moment, of course...). I felt like a total dweeb going up to the counter and asking... "Ummm, how do you buy a lottery ticket?" I literally had no idea at all! I mean, the last time I bought one with mum about 564 years' ago, you had to fill out a little form... now it's all pay and print-out ticket on the spot. All this technology... plus all they did to check it was to scan the barcode... oooh, it's all the work of the deeveel! lol

As I've been reading thru the wonderful Zinnia's blog, and she's been reviewing the focus of her blog, it suddenly hit me - I've been blogging for almost a whole year myself! My wee bloggie turns one on June 28th! Seriously, I just find it hard to believe that a year has gone past already... oh gosh! What an amazing experiment the whole blogging experience has been for me!

In so many ways, I've only skimmed the surface of a lot of what I could have said, and even at time what I really wanted to say. But at the last moment I've chickened-out at times - I still have minor sensations of imagined paranoia sometimes - I know it's all rubbish, but because I never really know for sure who is reading my blog, I don't always open up the way I have always wanted to. Mind you, I've never had a bad or negative experience from a blogger - like negative feedback or comments or stuff like that. I've had constructive criticism - which I always welcome! So, perhaps I should write more from what I'm really feeling on a deeper level, rather than just skimming the surface. Then there's the side of me that just is sick and tired of the whole internet/chat thing after about 3+ years now. I know blogging is totally different - and I don't usually 'chat' at all anymore anyway... perhaps I'm just tired and raving... perhaps I'm right in that! Blah!

I think what I might be trying to say is something related to this poem of mine called "The Seven Levels" ... in some ways I only skim across the top of the first three levels of my consciousness, and don't often get down far enough to where it really mixes things up for me when I start writing in this blog. It's all part of having trust stolen from me - I'm still finding it hard to trust people again, even after 4 years. I'm not as bad as I was, but I'm unlike I used to be, say, 7 years' ago. I don't share like I used to - share being the operative word. There's still 'something' in my psyche that prohibits me from sharing and baring my soul too much too often - maybe I forget sometimes that a blog is in a public space, and not a private, personal thing. It's funny, 'cause I see my blog as a personal thing, like I'm just writing for myself in my personal space (hence the Paige personification, I guess), but then there's others who may be lurking and taking notes for negative purposes. Yeah, I know - sounds nutty. But there's part of that silly madness still lurking about in the mental-mix somehow to stop me really being the person I want to express myself as thru my blog. It's silly, I know, I know. Perhaps just writing like this is all part of taking some strong steps forward and breaking out of this silly little shoebox I've created for myself. So - time to stop hiding and start learning once again to share the heart of the Mallard.

Part of my defence mechanism is just to try to be popular - to be funny/silly/zany - whatever. It's a small way of avoiding things that may be unsettling me deeper down - just laff 'em off. It's a very male thing to do - but as I'm so out of practise with sharing with someone intimately, I keep falling into the crutch of being silly. I know I enjoy absurd things - that's fine, that's not a problem. That's a huge part of me - I have a very bizarre sense of humour - as if you haven't figured that out my now! But there are times when it's easier to slide into the shoebox and just laff things off, without ever getting too close to baring a little light onto the darkness inside. Oooh... very philosophical! lol

I think at one point I got really conscious that my ex was reading my blog... if not actually reading it, then having mothers report things I said out-of-context. Now I know she doesn't even acknowledge my existence, so I don't have to worry about having her continually passing judgement on everything I do or say. She's powerless over me - hooray! I've gotta keep reminding myself of little things like that...

Why am I crapping on like this tonight? You know, I just miss having a companion - someone to just hang out with and talk with, who's around all the time. That's all. Tomorrow I'll look back at this and blush like crazy, but that's OK... the whole blog experience is partial 'therapy' and self-examination in many ways... examining our interior motives for doing and saying the things we are. Because I don't have anyone to physically do this with face-to-face, 'Paige' is a poor substitute at times. But it's there, so I make use of it all.

Wow - what a rave! I haven't had even one single cup of Earl Gray Tea today, either! hahahaa. Actually, I'd like to thank Zinnia again for prompting me to stop and think and share why I blog. This may not be a good or eloquent answer - that's fine by me - but it's the process of talking things out - thinking aloud - that helps clear the haze.

I'm glad you like my typing banana - I borrowed it from someone's blog (it MAY have been Third Daughters??? I didn't make a note of it! Sorry!)

On This Day...
Died: Joan of Arc burnt at the stake, 1431.
Events: Beatles' singles released: 'Paperback Writer' (1966) & 'Ballad of John & Yoko' (1969).
Useless Trivia: English 'Roger & Out' beer is 16.9% alc/vol - the world's strongest beer!
My Soundtrack: "Flop" Alexander
Weather: sunshine but cool, only low teens, no wind. Cold at night - gotta love this winter!
There was a young lad from the Lakes
Who had a terrible case of the shakes
From wine and brandy,
The occasional shandy,
And Jack Daniels on his Corn Flakes...

Cyalayta
mdq
Email: mal [@] maljam [.] cjb [.] net
Message Board: http://malboard.cjb.net

"Excuse me, which way is the stage?" (Audience member, lost at Altamont, 1969.)

4 Comments:

On May 31, 2005 1:06 PM, Blogger caroline said...

2 years back my husband purchased one and he won 14,000! after taxes it was like 9,500...so he purchased his boat that he wanted so badly. He does not buy them all the time..but once in a while he will do it.

Once trust has be violated it is really hard to build that up again. It takes time. I use my blog for expressing alot of feelings, it was my way to vent things out and somewhat a way to seek advice when someone wants to offer it.

I do admit that i have a hard time expressing alot of things in my blog, or make it interesting enough for others to read.

 
On May 31, 2005 2:24 PM, Blogger firefly said...

Yes trust. I made a stand for someone who was being really put upon-snide remarks, derogatory comments about work performance etc. I thought that bullying should be resisted and it is up to those in a stronger position to stand up for those in weaker positions. Silly me. When it came down to it, I raised the issue with the powers that be, they checked it out and guess what? The victim of the abuse said no no I never had a problem. Some people don't have the nerve to score even when they have a clear field. Life lesson no. 57,408.

 
On June 02, 2005 5:42 PM, Blogger Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Hi Mal, just catching up with you... I'm amazed that my musings have produced such ripples among my blogfriends. I found your post fascinating, I think one of the things I like about your blog is the way each post is different, some introspective, some descriptive, some silly and funny, some with pictures. I admire your decision to 'stop hiding and start learning once again to share the heart...' - you're braver than I am, I'm struggling with that when I only write an anonymous blog! Best of luck and I'll be back to check up on you!

 
On June 02, 2005 6:42 PM, Blogger Mallard said...

Thank you for your wonderful commentas, ladies!

I still swing between wether my blog is just my own personal space, or an open forum - well, I DO invite people to leave their comments, so I guess it's a bit of both. I really don't mind if I have nothing 'interesting' to say, because life a lot of the time, for all of us, is often quite 'ho-hum', you know? And that's quite OK.

Ahh firefly, I haer you too. But, now I'm stronger emotionally to stand up and not put up with someone else's $#it, it doesn't have the power it used to have over me - whoo hoo!

I guess I'm anonymous in the fact that we 'hide' behind our keyboards, and you just have to trust that what i say is really me, and not just a 'personality'. You just have to take that leap of faith when you read anybody's blog, I guess. As for Zinnia, after almost a year of reading heres, i know she's fair-dinkum (ie - a good thing!), and what she writes is from the heart - her anonymity is noit relevant. To me she is Zinnia.

Cyalayta
Mal :o)

 

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